Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
