My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
