Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
