I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.