Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.