All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy