Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
