Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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