dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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