I cannot find my penis.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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