a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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