i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
