I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
