Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
