Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
the raccoons are back...
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