i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
