Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
