you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
