So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
