I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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