You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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