3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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