Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
