Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
