Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
