He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
