i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
