Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
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