I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Randomize
