Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
