My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize