there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
