Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just blew my weed a kiss
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize