Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
