i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
