i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
