6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.