i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.