I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?