If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
