some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
