i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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