i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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