I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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