dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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