Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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