He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
