I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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