Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
