Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
one might say we're banned from that church
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
