names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did I show you my penis last night?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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