I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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