I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
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