I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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