Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His hands were made for my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize