naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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