either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
