Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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