Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
