seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
