Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
